Many seemed to enjoy the thread on how a gun is better than a woman and we seem to have many Texans posting as well as threads asking about that great state, so I have a few suggestions to offer if you are considering a move to help you settle in easier. Anybody want to add any others please feel free.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows like the rest of us.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 6-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. (the 6-pack was a 'tip' from the last person they pulled out so it would be nice if you would be so generous. An alternative tip would be a brick or .22 ammo if you don't drink.)
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. Also don't complain about not having a good selection of new releases, it ain't Blockbuster.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" If you do hear it, it is an insult, you have done something wrong. Think about it.
7. If you want to make a joke of it, before you ask a question, preface it with 'I'm not from around here, but I was wondering...?'
8. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. On the other hand you could be in Austin.
9. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" STAY OUT OF THE WAY AND WATCH. These are likely the last words he will ever say. If they aren't then you can fit right in by doing the same thing.
10. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
11. There are no delis. Don't ask.
12. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar, especially in Austin.
13. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
14. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.
15. We don't care how you did where you came from. This is Texas. If we wanted to do it that way we would move there.
16. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. Someone might say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?' That's a clue, if you piss and moan about you will give Texans a bad name.
17. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
18. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-250 is. (or for some of you an F-350 or any other dually). If you don't know what a dually is 'you ain't from around here'.
19. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers they ain't hot" you can be certain that you will be able to light the fire in your fireplace by breathing on the wood. If they warn you that the peppers are hot you will not be able to light the fire because your breath would melt the stone and brick around your fireplace if you breathed on it.
20. If you fail to heed my warning in #19 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it, but a Shiner will help. The alcohol helps break down the alkaloids in the pepper.
21. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. They aren't even from the ocean. Don't ask.
22. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken, but they probably won't be around there for long.
23. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri (unless you are in a bar in Austin where it is okay to put your hand on another man's shoulder, usually has a neon rainbow sign in the window). What you really mean to say is 'margarita'.
24. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut or you will hear, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
25. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
26. If you come up behind slower moving vehicle on a two lane road and it pulls on to the shoulder, it is letting you go by. That is called "courtesy".
27. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors.
28. BBQ has nothing to do with a grill and charcoal.
29. Pig is a breakfast animal.
30. We BBQ beef. If you go to a BBQ restaurant and ask for something from a pig, the server will say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
31. No matter what you've seen on TV, Texans do NOT line dance.
32. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
33. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
34. When driving you must know the 'Lugnut Rule'. The vehicle with the most lugnuts has the right of way. (count lugnuts on all wheels: motorcycle=2, Renault LeCar=12, VW=16, Caddy=20, F250=24, F350=32)
35. When buying a house and you are told the price do not flop out your checkbook and say, 'I'll take it!'
36. Get you license plates changed as soon as possible. If you have license plates from Ca. or any state east of the Mississippi River and north of Ky (especially NY or NJ) this is especially important.
37. Get to like the Dallas Cowboys and San Antonio Spurs.
38. Learn to talk slow.
39. Be nice. If you walk around with an attitude problem you will have a miserable life. If you are rude to the wait staff in the restaurant the manager might kick you out.
40. We don't wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats, not in the cities anyway. If you do people will say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
41. The Alamo is in San Antonio. Know this. Never make a bad comment about anything related to the Alamo.
42. Texas is BIG. The biggest state in the United States. Don't argue about it, accept it. We all know it is true.
43. Women in Texas are BEAUTIFUL. If you don't believe me go sit in an airport in Texas then in St Louis or Indianapolis.
44. Women in Texas don't turn gray. Somehow they turn blond.
I am sure there are others. Anyone?
[This message has been edited by Jeff OTMG (edited June 10, 2000).]
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows like the rest of us.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 6-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. (the 6-pack was a 'tip' from the last person they pulled out so it would be nice if you would be so generous. An alternative tip would be a brick or .22 ammo if you don't drink.)
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. Also don't complain about not having a good selection of new releases, it ain't Blockbuster.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" If you do hear it, it is an insult, you have done something wrong. Think about it.
7. If you want to make a joke of it, before you ask a question, preface it with 'I'm not from around here, but I was wondering...?'
8. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. On the other hand you could be in Austin.
9. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" STAY OUT OF THE WAY AND WATCH. These are likely the last words he will ever say. If they aren't then you can fit right in by doing the same thing.
10. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
11. There are no delis. Don't ask.
12. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar, especially in Austin.
13. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
14. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.
15. We don't care how you did where you came from. This is Texas. If we wanted to do it that way we would move there.
16. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. Someone might say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?' That's a clue, if you piss and moan about you will give Texans a bad name.
17. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
18. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-250 is. (or for some of you an F-350 or any other dually). If you don't know what a dually is 'you ain't from around here'.
19. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers they ain't hot" you can be certain that you will be able to light the fire in your fireplace by breathing on the wood. If they warn you that the peppers are hot you will not be able to light the fire because your breath would melt the stone and brick around your fireplace if you breathed on it.
20. If you fail to heed my warning in #19 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it, but a Shiner will help. The alcohol helps break down the alkaloids in the pepper.
21. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. They aren't even from the ocean. Don't ask.
22. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken, but they probably won't be around there for long.
23. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri (unless you are in a bar in Austin where it is okay to put your hand on another man's shoulder, usually has a neon rainbow sign in the window). What you really mean to say is 'margarita'.
24. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut or you will hear, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
25. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
26. If you come up behind slower moving vehicle on a two lane road and it pulls on to the shoulder, it is letting you go by. That is called "courtesy".
27. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors.
28. BBQ has nothing to do with a grill and charcoal.
29. Pig is a breakfast animal.
30. We BBQ beef. If you go to a BBQ restaurant and ask for something from a pig, the server will say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
31. No matter what you've seen on TV, Texans do NOT line dance.
32. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
33. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
34. When driving you must know the 'Lugnut Rule'. The vehicle with the most lugnuts has the right of way. (count lugnuts on all wheels: motorcycle=2, Renault LeCar=12, VW=16, Caddy=20, F250=24, F350=32)
35. When buying a house and you are told the price do not flop out your checkbook and say, 'I'll take it!'
36. Get you license plates changed as soon as possible. If you have license plates from Ca. or any state east of the Mississippi River and north of Ky (especially NY or NJ) this is especially important.
37. Get to like the Dallas Cowboys and San Antonio Spurs.
38. Learn to talk slow.
39. Be nice. If you walk around with an attitude problem you will have a miserable life. If you are rude to the wait staff in the restaurant the manager might kick you out.
40. We don't wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats, not in the cities anyway. If you do people will say, 'You ain't from around here are ya?'.
41. The Alamo is in San Antonio. Know this. Never make a bad comment about anything related to the Alamo.
42. Texas is BIG. The biggest state in the United States. Don't argue about it, accept it. We all know it is true.
43. Women in Texas are BEAUTIFUL. If you don't believe me go sit in an airport in Texas then in St Louis or Indianapolis.
44. Women in Texas don't turn gray. Somehow they turn blond.
I am sure there are others. Anyone?
[This message has been edited by Jeff OTMG (edited June 10, 2000).]
