Need advice for dealing with teenager

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Glamdring

New member
The other thing is attention. The more you listen and pay attention to kids, or adults, the more you will understand them and the more they will value your opinion. If you gain their respect, you can influence their behavior without reverting to overt force. Part of what happens with good kids that "rebell" is that the parents/adults are so out of tune with what the kid is thinking/feeling that the kids figure the adults don't know what they are talking about.

If you only show interest in a daughter's boyfriends that you don't like your using bad tactics. Because that means your ignoring things that are important to her (ie boyfriends) unless they are bad. So she will never get encouragement about her boyfriends (ie "I bet the other girls are jealous of your boyfriend") she will only get negative stuff (ie Father figure trying to intimidate the "punk" or parents putting down boyfriend).

Which will probably lead her to the conclusion that you don't care or understand her...since her boyfriends are important to her but they only time you offer any imput is to tell her to dump the loser, totally ignoring how hard it is to find a boyfriend.
 
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biganimal

New member
I have a beautiful 17 year old daughter and I have no problems with the young men that date her. Why? Who knows? It might be the fact that I'm a biganimal that owns more guns than the entire police force combined. Or it might be because when I meet them, and I DO meet them, I have a handgun visable on my person. Then again it might be the fact that she has three large brothers that protect her and watch very closely. There is usually 2-6 Harleys in the drive when My friends come over and they are all larger and meaner looking than me. This makes a suitor think a little. The last one came to pick my baby up for a date and he had to meet 4 of my monster sized buds and myself, after shaking hands with us all he won't be useing his hand on MY little girl.......teee heeee.........
 
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Jhp147

New member
Child rearing

You guys with daughters, good luck. I could write a book about the problems my mom and in-laws have had. Scary.
Lately, I have had many people approach me (while I was on duty, in uniform obviously) and ask me how to deal with a son/daughter (much more often) who is generating misery. I tell them all the same thing...."Mam, if I knew the real and guaranteed answer to that, I would write it down in a book, and it would sell so many thousands of copies that I would never have to darken the door of the PD again."
 
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hardcorps1775

New member
damn, i thought dz's rules were unique to the marine corps, should have known nothing's new anymore!

here are a couple rules for dating he missed:

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, middle-aged, dim-witted, knuckle dragging jarhead. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a rifle, an e-tool, and five acres behind the house. Do not **** with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a hot LZ outside Khe Sanh. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my weapons as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

good luck with the daughter...
 
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Fred S

New member
Bogie:

Best thing for this guy is to send him on a nice trip to Parris Island. Or Ft. Benning... or Great Lakes....

Fred
 
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Waitone

New member
Been there and done that!

When kids (particularly girls) start down a road it is almost impossible to change direction. The kid is on auto pilot relying on internal guidance systems. Its the most fearsome event I ever had to witness. All you can do with her is let her know what her future looks like if she doesn't figure it out. She is thinking with her hormones and therefore rational thought is irrelevant. At some point she will figure it out and will want help. Trouble it she may have additional complications like a drug habit, STD, a child, criminal record, or any combination of the above. Then when it happens, stand by her because it will all come crashing down and she will be by herself because her ****head will be long gone. She will need help. She will begin listening.

I suggest having a discussion with the boyfriend in a forthright and unambigious manner. Demand to meet him. Make him look you in the eye. Demand that he give you a firm handshake. Let him know you have certain standards that will not be compromised. Then be careful of your reaction because it will be strong.

Offer to take him shooting. Clean guns when he comes to the house. If you are CCH, let him see that also. Are you imtimidating him? Yep. but he is also in the process of damaging or destroying something of high value to you and your girlfriend. If a little intimidation will head it off (really small chance) its worth it.
 
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Gunslinger45

New member
Tough row to hoe - most of the time it's a no win situation.

I have a 17 yo daughter, I never stop worrying about her !!!! Good kid, but I remember being a teenager - brain fade runs rampant.
First looser I ran off, she didn't speak to me for weeks - then thanked me.
She ran off the second looser - I thanked her.

What is the mothers take on all this ?

Good luck.
 
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xxena

New member
Bogie:

WE had almost the identical situation with our 21 yr old when she was 18....she was an "over achiever" all through school and did highschool in 3 years - she goes off to college locally, younger than anyone else and has been a good kid to this point and is having a long distance romance with a nice young man from tiny country town where we have lake house in Northern USA....she meets "the creep" at college who's a junior to her really high school age who just sweeps her off her feet - he knows ALL the angles....we watch the slow demise and grit our teeth...

Same thing - first comes the complaints of being bored in school - the stupid classes she HAS to take that she does not need for her major.....then her part time job which she just loved to death with a large local vet clinic she is cutting her hours to less and less - citing school load - but she never seems to do homework...she works parttime for me in my office also and never has time.....a girl that ALWAYS made sure every hair was in place, every piece of clothing was perfectly matched etc - now looks worse than the cleaning lady next door....she goes from a friendly, bubbly full of energy kid to moody, introverted and just plain bitchey....

I'm in panic mood - I do the "bad mother thing" and search her room - no drugs, no alcohol, all I find are notes from "the creep"...I read them - my blood boils and I see red and him in my sights at the end of a 12 ga.....this jerk is a master manipulator and not much we can do about it - A: at 18 she's basically an adult and B: I know from my girls growing up the more taboo you make something or someone the closer they are drawn to it.....then I get call from our Bank....the head teller and I go way back..he says to me - I'm doing this on side I could loose my job, but are you aware that the BIG bank account (savings) your oldest has worked so hard to build up over years is being tapped on a weekly basis ?.....I go in and sure enough he's right...(I was co-signer) ...this kid busted her butt all through highschool with 2 part time jobs and had saved over 15,000 in 3.5 years....she's down to about 11,000 in 3 weeks of dating the creep...so I pull 10K and lock it up in a CD for her and by month end the rest is gone....she knows I"ve pulled her money and is NOT talking to me at all and this is from a kid who was very close and told me everthing up to this point....

Dad is now in panic and tells me - hire a PI, I don't care what it costs and get what you can on this creep...PI comes back with the fact He's a creep...no real criminal record but he's been thrown out of 3 colleges and last girlfriend's parents MOVED HER across the country to get her away from him.....he is NOT liked at all by neighbors (he lives at home) or by other students at the current college - has NO friends that any one knows of, doesnot work and is barely passing his 4th college ...people at college say he's with some younger girl - freshman that has car and money and he sticks to her like glue ( hmmm) there are often violent fights on campus between them - she seems to be pretty straight and level headed and he is very demanding and overly possessive of her and does this love/hate game with her all the time.....

I'm am fuming at this point and out for the jerk....remember deadliest of the species is always the female..... and I am now listening to the phone messages he leaves on her machine when she's still in class or at work....this guy is a REAL piece of work - what a manipulator - made my stomach turn.

His parents have unlisted number but PI manages to come up with it for us....husband calls the Creeps FAther and has about an hour long conversation with him. Bottom line - Father of Creep knows what his son is and not a damn thing he can do about it....kid is 22 - mommy's boy - she protects him to the hilt....old girlfriend was moved across country at Creeps father's insistance to keep him away from her. His son is a user - he does drugs, alcohol and uses younger girls that fall for his line and become his source of income etc....his suggestion - do whatever it takes to keep your daughter from my son - he is NO good and I regret the day we adopted him.....

NICE !!

I won't lie to you and say she woke up next day and dumped this guy...didn't work that way - she had to hit rock bottom, Failing school for the first time in her life , BROKE, her boss threating to fire her...I refused to give her work to cut her off financially, her friends of years and years cut her off unless she quit bring the creep around....her college friends started to ignore her due to him.....we shut her out of the family- finally she turned to the only person she KNEW would talk to her - boyfriend from up North that she had dumped for the Creep - he called to tell me she kept calling him night after night crying that she needed to talk to someone - at first he ignored her like I told him too...but then he started to talk to her ...cuz he was in love with her which we knew......

Turning point came about 3 months from the time husband talked with Creeps dad - daughter was very sick - strep throat and ear infection ...she was sick, hurting and broke. She came to me for first time in months like my child, not this bitchey female that lived in our house.....begged me to take her to the 24 hour clinic in next suburb....so I drove her there, handed her the $50 it would cost for the ER on our insurance and told her "she owed it to me next paycheck" and dumped her on their door step and left to get groceries.....she stood there dumfounded that I left her and didn't come in with her.....killed me inside but I knew it had to be done....

I came back and she was still in exam room, nurse told me to go in - I sat there and didn't say anything...she finally asked if I wanted to know why she was still with the Creep and I said NO - you made your bed now you sleep in it.....that started the discussion....took a few weeks but she finally dumped him - turns out she (like his old girlfriend) was afraid to dump him, he had been threatening her and she believed his threats being young and naieve.....I told her if she wanted rid of him have him come to the house ....he did all cocky... I met him at the door with a 12ga and told him if he ever so much as looked at her again he's become ONE with Mr. 12ga....Week later boyfriend from up North drove 700 miles and arrived here in time for Valentines Day Surprise which knocked her off her feet...then he drove to the campus and confronted the Creep one on one...

We're not really sure what took place in that "meeting" but Creep was history after that - Daughter begged and pleaded to transfer to college in state where country boyfriend was....we figured it could not get any worse and let her go.....

Today - she's engaged to Country guy and will get her Degree next spring ......and she refuses to talk about that episode in her life only to say " I really Fxxxed UP and I guess we're all allowed one right ?.... at least I never did drugs or had sex with him.....

I leave it alone - she leared a hard lesson and came out of it ok for the most part and for that I'm thankful.....NOW its time for daughter #2, who's 18 going on 19 and seems to be falling into the same trap....see if we can nip this one in the bud before it gets chance to grow....

Good Luck
 
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Bogie

New member
Well, the kid's basically pretty intelligent... Hadn't seen her for a while and stuff, but this past weekend, went to the zoo, and at her mother's insistence, she brought the guy (who her mother can't stand)...

Okay - He's a white kid from a rural area, and he's wearin' Fubu stuff... Walking around with is pants down his butt, that sorta thing... I think I made him a little nervous tho... Especially when I offered to feed him to some large ursine critters when he started clowning around...

Oh yeah... He doesn't like guns, and spouted your basic non-common-sense crap... So I'm taking the girls shooting in a few weeks... FWIW, the girl has straightened out somewhat...
 
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xxena

New member
Bogie: Kids, espeically girls - at this age tend to gravitate to the different, the bad boys are espeically appealing ....I was 18 once even though it seems like light years ago.

If she's smart and Mom's raised her right - give her some lead, she'll come back when she sees he's a loser and no real prize afterall...

In meantime - DON"T lecture - it only makes the bad guy more desireable...

;)
 
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xxena

New member
Meek and Mild:

Thanks but what I feel inside and what I portray outside is 2 very different animals. I am female, I am MOM and I will protect my kids with my life and my .45.....

Kids need to learn or they never grow up - it killed me to watch this unfold and let it runs its course...my husband was worried to hell about me - at one point he had to physically retrain me from literally throwing her out of the house...he was right I would have hated myself later for it....

I stand by my comment - if you raise them right from the beginning and they are good to the point of meeting Mr./Miss Wrong... odds are they will wake up and come back - you have to practice a lot of "tought love" and bite your tongue....

Younger one - was a bit wiser from big Sis - she just came in and told me the whole ugly story of telling her "loser" to hit the road jack and don't come back.....I played it cool and told her - smart move...inside I was just grinning from ear to ear......after 6 years of Martial arts I was really hoping he would have ticked her off and she literally kicked his butt...but this will do ....

Maybe the discipline of teaching them to shoot at an early age had something to do with their discipline in life...I dont' know but it didnt' hurt that's for sure...

Peace all...
 
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MeekAndMild

New member
Well, the kid's basically pretty intelligent...FWIW, the girl has straightened out somewhat...
Click to expand...

When I was in the service from time to time we had a student who temporarily lost it. I recall one episode when one, a girl, came back from the winter holidays and on her next flight in the T-38 (supersonic trainer made by Northrup) went totally hysteric with fear and afraid to land.

Ops sent out her instructor to join up with her, sit on her wing (in another plane, not literally) and talk her down. Basically he told her to keep flying the plane and trust her training. Then together they went through the cheklist page by page with him reading it and her doing what it said.

She did make it to graduation with this as the only major incident on her record.
 
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vertigo7

New member
Years ago as a high school Junior, my new girlfriend brought me home to meet her parents, and warned me that her father was always a little rough on her dates, but wouldn't elaborate. When I got there, he was sitting out back at a long table covered with guns and parts, and he was methodically cleaning a wicked-looking pump shotgun. He looked up at me and said "So.. you want to date my little girl, huh?" :: loudly slides pump of shotgun :: "Sit down and let's chat, son." He'd meant to use the display to encourage me not to disobey any rules he cared to set down about me dating his daughter. It backfired on him when I sat down and enthusiastically talked guns with him for 2 hours and then went to the local shooting range with him afterwards.

My date was in total amazement that I wasn't the least bit bothered by any of it. And that's the story of how I passed "The Daddy Test" with flying colors. :D
 
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AndrewWalkowiak

New member
I was generally unlucky in romance as a teenager.

Problem was, the fathers usually liked me.

As far as I was concerned to the young lady, it was "The Kiss of Death", and I was dropped like a hot potato for someone more rude/dangerous/sleazy/flashy and otherwise more generaly bothersome to daddy... :(

If I could re-inhabit my body as a teenager armed with what I know now, I'd probably get ahold of one or two of the better looking girl's fathers and asked them to pretend to hate me...

Water under the bridge though. The wife and I are looking to start a family, and after all the stories, :eek: I'm praying for a boy!

Andrew
 
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coonan357

New member
damn , all the fun I missed by not having kids , but my brother has a little girl , shes 9 now , can't wait till she starts dating , and the guy screws up and gets to meet "sweet uncle scott" , ( i'm rather intimidating in size ,and like to clean my "toys" at the kitchen table. and my favorite toy is a sledgehammer :) ) I feel sorry for them already :) :eek:
 
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Veloce851

New member
Bogie, alot of great advice being offered here.
I doubt I can contribute much on it.

However the background investigation on the kid is a good idea.
However I would venture to guess she is only with the guy BECAUSE mom doesn't like him. Putting effort forward to include him in things and make him feel "a part of the family" could work to counter her feelings for the guy.. i.e. mom and dad can handle him.. time to drop him.
I would be concerned about the punk introducing her to drugs.
Watching her attitude as a whole and comparing that to her grades could help identify whether or not she is participating in her boyfriends extra curricular activities.

But as many stated, not being her biological father makes the dicipline a tricky situation. Best of luck.

and BTW ROTL if your reading... are you single? ;) :D
 
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Ugly-Jeep-Truck

New member
Make buddies with him..and get him heavily involved int he conversation..the gal will get fed up with him..and then pine for your attention..reverse pshycology :) I like biganimals ephisode..LOL Granted..if I had ever met a gal with a dad that had harley friends...I would have liked that..all we have around here is rish types that get worried when they see a bike...
 
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