Share a gun joke...

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gbclarkson

New member
I came across this one today:


An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at ..." replied the doctor.
 
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aarondhgraham

New member
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her, he walked out in shame and said he couldn’t do it.

The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn’t pull the trigger so he walked out in shame.

The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor,
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“The gun wasn’t loaded, I had to strangle her.”

Aarond

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44 AMP

Staff
A cop stops a car with a little old lady driving, asks if there are any weapons in the vehicle. Lady says. "why, yes, I've got a 9mm in the glovebox, a .45 in the console, and I'm wearing a .38 concealed...."

Cop says "geez lady, what are you afraid of???"

She replies, "Not a damn thing, officer!"
 
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7.62 man

New member
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Democrat & a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.” LOL
 
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USAFNoDak

New member
A man knocks on the door of a residence. The homeowner, a man, comes to the door. The man who knocked says, "I'm taking a political survey. How do you feel about civilian gun ownership and the right to keep and bear arms as protected by our 2nd A.? "

The homeowner, an anti gun type, replies:" I don't think people should be allowed to have guns. Only the police, the government, and the military should be allowed to have guns."

The guy who knocked pulls out a handgun and says, "Great. Now hand over all of the valuables in your house along with your wallet and the keys to that nice BMW in the driveway."
 
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Armybrat

New member
44 AMP said:
A cop stops a car with a little old lady driving, asks if there are any weapons in the vehicle. Lady says. "why, yes, I've got a 9mm in the glovebox, a .45 in the console, and I'm wearing a .38 concealed...."

Cop says "geez lady, what are you afraid of???"

She replies, "Not a damn thing, officer!"
Click to expand...
Sounds like my son’s ex-MIL.
She carried 3 handguns when riding her Harley Hog.
 
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DaleA

New member
911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Hunter: I'm out in the woods and I heard a noise in the bushes and I fired my gun and it was another hunter and I think he's dead!
911 Operator: Well go over and make sure.
(Bang! Bang!)
Hunter: Okay. Now what?

(Yeah, it's old but so am I.)
 
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7.62 man

New member
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful. LOL



MAN SHOT 200 TIMES with upholstery gun.

A detective was heard to say" I guess this case is already sewn up." LOL
 
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44 AMP

Staff
burglar breaks into a Quaker's house and is putting the family silver in his sack when he hears a noise. Turning, he sees the Quaker with his fowling piece leveled...

Undaunted, knowing he's safe, he taunts the homeowner...

"thou cans't shoot me, thou art a Quaker!"

To which the Quaker replies..

"prithee, brother, I would not harm thee for the world, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot!!"


Guy hears a noise, middle of the night, looks out his upstairs bedroom window, sees someone trying to break into his garage. Calls the cops. Dispatcher tells him all units are busy and it would be at least 20 minutes before there could be a response. He hangs up. 2 minutes later, he calls the police dispatcher and tells them, "no rush, I just shot the prowler."

2 minutes later 3 squad cars scream in to the scene and catch the thief in the act. A bit after, the cops are talking to the homeowner and one says "dispatch said you shot the guy!!!" To which he replies, "dispatch told me you couldn't get here for 20 minutes!"
 
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mikejonestkd

New member
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she’s holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
 
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gbclarkson

New member
I can't find salt shells for my AR. I can only find 12-gauge salt shells. I really want .556 salt shells so I can shoot...
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wait for it...
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A salt rifle.
 
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aarondhgraham

New member
The government offered to buy my guns from me.

But after a thorough background check of the buyer,,,
I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Aarond

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MisterCrabby

New member
Man walks into the bar waving a .38 revolver and yells, “I hear my wife’s been fooling around with someone in this bar and they’re gonna get a bullet!.”

Old man turns away from his beer and says, “Well son, that’s understandable, but from what I know, you’re going to need more ammo.”
 
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veprdude

New member
A man from New York goes dove hunting on a lease in Texas. He shoots a dove and it lands across the property line on a farmer's field. He steps over the barbed wire to retrieve the dove and is met by the farmer. The hunter insists that the dove is his because he shot it on the lease. The farmer insists that it's his dove because it landed on the farmer's property. An argument ensues.

The farmer says "Well since we're in Texas, these kind of disputes are decided by the One-Kick Rule."

The hunter asks "What is the One-Kick Rule"

The farmer replies "Each party gets to kick the other in the nuts until the other side concedes."

The hunter says "Well that sounds fair enough. I want that dove!"

The farmer replies "Since it's on my property, I get the first kick"

The farmer proceeds to kick the hunter squarely in the crotch. The hunter keels over and a few minutes pass. He stands up and says "Ok farmer. It's my turn!!"

The farmer calmly replies "I concede. You can keep the dove."
 
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WeedWacker

New member
A man wanted to get into hunting so he took all the courses and read all the books and articles he could. During the hunter education course he was told that if he ever got lost he should fire three shots in rapid succession to let everyone know he was lost.

Well, the big day came and he walked out into the woods for his first hunt. And wouldn't you know it, he got lost. Days go by and his wife calls the police and they organize a search party. Funny thing is they find him. Funnier still, the volunteer who found him was his hunter education instructor.

"Did you pay attention to what I told you to do when you got lost?" asked the instructor.

"Yes," the man replied, "I made a shelter, rationed my food and fired three shots in the air."

"Why didn't you fire three more when nobody came to help?"

"I did! I fired until I was all out of arrows!!"
 
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