Once upon a time I stabbed a guy a couple of times ( big Puma folding knife). He had attacked me and he had a knife. I tackled him and I only had one thought in my mind and that was to make him stop moving because as long as he was moving he was still going to stab or cut me or both. The one certainty I had through the whole incident was that I was already too late to stop him. As it turned out he didn’t manage to hurt me but I sent him to the hospital with two stab wounds. For the next few days I felt really rotten because I knew that I had done genuinely serious bodily harm to someone. That he was attacking me with a knife didn’t seem to make any difference, I still felt like crap. I think it is a natural human reaction, something that is built into us and in fact if it’s not there then I seriously suspect that there is something wrong with you.
What I learned from that is that it is something I am capable of doing. Yes I’m going to feel like crap, I’m not going to like doing it, I’m going to hate doing it, but I will still do it. I also learned that in that crucial moment I am able to suspend fears, doubt, anxiety, etc., and take care of business knowing that I will deal with the aftermath when it’s all over. Some times you have to do things you don’t want to do. So what new? Something else I’ve learned as I’ve grown older is that drinking doesn’t help, escaping doesn’t help or in fact work.
This is also one of the incidents in my life that made me realize that when it’s all said and done I really don’t want to shoot anybody. Of course this should not be confused with I “wont” shoot anybody. That would be a serious error in judgement.