ever got published.
I am gonna have to change my terminology toward the newspaper I have consistently referred to in the past as "the wildly liberal, one sided local fishwrapper" to something more respectful.
Author is a James Lileks, I've never heard of him and don't know his credentials if any, except that he's referred to as a DC based columnist for Newhouse News Service, which I've never heard of either.
Editorial follows:
The Rosie O'Donnell Gun Ban Act
At least Rosie O'Donnell is consistent. The syndicated comedian and constitutional scholar has expressed her impatience not only with the Second Amendment, but the First as well.
When members of the Broadway show "Annie Get Your Gun" came to warble tunes for her show, Rosie insisted they change the lyrics to fit her political sensibilities. The line "I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge" was deemed unacceptable, lest impressionable girls emulate Annie, don buckskin and gingham, and embark on cross-country partridge-felling sprees. The cast chose another song, a tune emblematic of the modus vivendi Rosie would prescribe for us all: "My Defenses Are Down".
Annie, get your gun, and turn it in to the proper authorities.
Debating gun control in the aftermath of the Columbine High School shootings is like debating food safety after you've come down with a case of e. coli poisoning. Forget that 80 million people ate Beefaroni last night with no problems. If a dented can laid you low, you want the National Beefaroni Safety Act.
Of course, the Justice Department can't prosecute the federal laws on the books now; all their agents are working frantically to ignore Chinese espionage, which is apparently a full-time job. But now they have even stronger laws they can fail to enforce.
The new laws will be like the last 340,203 laws; Their failure will only prove the need for more laws down the line. Well, enough of these half-measures. Let's cut to the chase and ban guns. Period. Here's what you do:
1. Amend the Constitution. This means a long, gruesome effort, pushing the amendment through recalcitrant state legislatures like a watermelon through a snake's duodenum. That's the easy part.
2. Confiscation. Here's where it gets fun. You can ask everyone to turn in his or her guns voluntarily, but people who have arms are generally inclined to keep them. They're funny that way. Here's how the gun-ban extremists believe that conversation might go:
Concerned federal agent: Hello, sir. I'm from the government. Do you have any guns?
Snaggle-toothed, chaw-stained, inbred lunatic: Why, yes, ma'am. I keep several guns in case the government exercises its natural inclination for tyranny. Do you want them?
Agent: Yes, please. Guns make Rosie sad.
Citizen: Of course! Here you go. Give my regards to the boys at ATF!
It's likely to go like this:
Government: We're searching this block for guns. Have a seat, Ma'am, leash that dog or we'll shoot it.
Citizen: What? I can't hear you. The dog's barking. Crockett! Come here. Crockett!
Government: (Bang) Here's a voucher for a new dog and a list of acceptable breeds. Now sit down, please, and keep your hands visible. At this point they'll have to go through every inch of your house.
Of course, this strikes some as a paranoid fantasy. Sensible people know that there is a precise and perfect amount of gun-control legislation that, once achieved, will solve the problem. Confiscation will never be an issue. And Affirmative Action will never lead to quotas. Sex education will never lead to birth-control devices dispensed in the schools. Unpaid family leave will never lead to paid family leave.
But why take the chance that new gun laws won't work? Confiscate. Start it now. And when some lunatic finds bomb instructions on the Internet and blows up a school, we can confiscate the computers. It won't be so bad-second time around, the drill will go much more smoothly. Believe me, after you've lost one segment of the Bill of Rights, getting rid of the rest is easy.
End of editorial.
Now, the boy writes good, but who'd a thunk any paper in the country would have printed that?
Larry P.
I am gonna have to change my terminology toward the newspaper I have consistently referred to in the past as "the wildly liberal, one sided local fishwrapper" to something more respectful.
Author is a James Lileks, I've never heard of him and don't know his credentials if any, except that he's referred to as a DC based columnist for Newhouse News Service, which I've never heard of either.
Editorial follows:
The Rosie O'Donnell Gun Ban Act
At least Rosie O'Donnell is consistent. The syndicated comedian and constitutional scholar has expressed her impatience not only with the Second Amendment, but the First as well.
When members of the Broadway show "Annie Get Your Gun" came to warble tunes for her show, Rosie insisted they change the lyrics to fit her political sensibilities. The line "I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge" was deemed unacceptable, lest impressionable girls emulate Annie, don buckskin and gingham, and embark on cross-country partridge-felling sprees. The cast chose another song, a tune emblematic of the modus vivendi Rosie would prescribe for us all: "My Defenses Are Down".
Annie, get your gun, and turn it in to the proper authorities.
Debating gun control in the aftermath of the Columbine High School shootings is like debating food safety after you've come down with a case of e. coli poisoning. Forget that 80 million people ate Beefaroni last night with no problems. If a dented can laid you low, you want the National Beefaroni Safety Act.
Of course, the Justice Department can't prosecute the federal laws on the books now; all their agents are working frantically to ignore Chinese espionage, which is apparently a full-time job. But now they have even stronger laws they can fail to enforce.
The new laws will be like the last 340,203 laws; Their failure will only prove the need for more laws down the line. Well, enough of these half-measures. Let's cut to the chase and ban guns. Period. Here's what you do:
1. Amend the Constitution. This means a long, gruesome effort, pushing the amendment through recalcitrant state legislatures like a watermelon through a snake's duodenum. That's the easy part.
2. Confiscation. Here's where it gets fun. You can ask everyone to turn in his or her guns voluntarily, but people who have arms are generally inclined to keep them. They're funny that way. Here's how the gun-ban extremists believe that conversation might go:
Concerned federal agent: Hello, sir. I'm from the government. Do you have any guns?
Snaggle-toothed, chaw-stained, inbred lunatic: Why, yes, ma'am. I keep several guns in case the government exercises its natural inclination for tyranny. Do you want them?
Agent: Yes, please. Guns make Rosie sad.
Citizen: Of course! Here you go. Give my regards to the boys at ATF!
It's likely to go like this:
Government: We're searching this block for guns. Have a seat, Ma'am, leash that dog or we'll shoot it.
Citizen: What? I can't hear you. The dog's barking. Crockett! Come here. Crockett!
Government: (Bang) Here's a voucher for a new dog and a list of acceptable breeds. Now sit down, please, and keep your hands visible. At this point they'll have to go through every inch of your house.
Of course, this strikes some as a paranoid fantasy. Sensible people know that there is a precise and perfect amount of gun-control legislation that, once achieved, will solve the problem. Confiscation will never be an issue. And Affirmative Action will never lead to quotas. Sex education will never lead to birth-control devices dispensed in the schools. Unpaid family leave will never lead to paid family leave.
But why take the chance that new gun laws won't work? Confiscate. Start it now. And when some lunatic finds bomb instructions on the Internet and blows up a school, we can confiscate the computers. It won't be so bad-second time around, the drill will go much more smoothly. Believe me, after you've lost one segment of the Bill of Rights, getting rid of the rest is easy.
End of editorial.
Now, the boy writes good, but who'd a thunk any paper in the country would have printed that?
Larry P.
