What to do about your girlfriend or wife?

[HOKIEHUNTER]

Guys,
I'll start off by saying I'm not yet a CCW but I need to get my tail in gear. I have all the training, but my county circuit court is on the COMPLETE other side of the county from where i work... but enough with bad excuses...

I'm am one of those lucky guys that is dating most likely to marry a girl that is WAYYYYY over my head in terms of looks. haha. she is a very beautiful incredibly sweet girl with a genuine heart and is very loving. That said, she's not always the most observant person in the world and last night i noticed something that scared me. As she was leaving my apartment and i walked her to her car, we said goodnite and i shut her car door. in the process, my finger grazed over the doorlock and something didn't feel right. I kneeled down and looked, and it was obvious someone had tried to break into her car. I was immeaditely in high alert mode, and she didnt understand what had happened. well i told her it looked like someone tried to break in and i wanted to make sure the car was clear. well as it turned out someone had tried to break into her car... but it was almost 2 years ago and she had just never told me about it. evidently she went to see a late movie at the mall and her car was ALONE in the parking lot, she was by herself, and had just seen a horror movie. she said when she approached the car there was metal and plastic stuck in the door lock and shhe couldn't get the key in. It scared he crap out of her and now she no longer goes to the movies late at night without an escort (yours truely).

Well all this got me thinking last nite about how the heck i can keep her outta trouble. I never really realized how big of an A-hole most guys are until i starting dating her. She gets looked up and down all the time and just gets some really rude and crude remarks shouted at her all the time. when we get married she's gonna be familiar with all my guns and hopefully i can convince her to get a CCW, but that's just not really her personality at this time.

In the meantime there is one situation that really bother me. a lot of times I walk out to the car or leave her side for a minute and while she's alone even for a second, some guy will move in and hit on her. My biggest fear is I'll walk away for a few mins to get the car (or something similar) and when she comes walking out she'll be surrounded by a group of thugs harassing her and God-forbid physically touching her. I told her that if I'm ever around and see this that I am going to make a scene. If I'm in the truck I'll run right up on someone (not over them) or I'll shout and get up in their faces. If I have a CCW at the time I'll make it clear that it's on my hip and basically do ANYTHING to get all of them focused on me. I told her that if that situation ever arises that, while they're all looking at me she is to take off running as fast as she can towards people if possible, calling the police, and not to look back or worry about me until she is well out of harms way. I'm not the most physically imposing person in the world, but my Dodge Ram is and I have a booming voice when needed... not to mention I will have either a 1911 or .357 on my side in the near future......

Basically what I'm asking is did i give her sound advice or is there something you all would do differently? I'm not trying yo play hero and I hope to God to never be in that situation, but in the last few weeks guys just seem to be getting bolder and bolder in their actions and cruder in their remarks... it'd be great if we could premptively remove them from the gene pool before someone gets hurt, but basically i'm not going to stand by and let the person I love become the next news story... let me know what you guys think.
Hokie

 

[Samurai]

Welcome to the "illusion of safety." All our lives, we are taught to tell ourselves, "If I lock my doors, I'll be safe." "If I carry a weapon, I'll be safe." "If I move to the right side of the tracks, then I'll be safe." "If I keep enough food and flashlights around the house, then I'll be safe."

The fact is, you're never safe. No matter how well you prepare, bad things can still happen. Does this mean we quit preparing? No. But, also don't allow paranoia to turn you into a nut-job. You're getting your CCW, and that's good enough for now!

Concerning your girlfriend (congrats, by the way), I'm afraid you're in a tough situation. You make a choice in your life: 1. Be with a pretty girl, and accept the fact that OTHERS will find her pretty and may try to hit on her when you're not around, OR 2. Date a not-so-pretty girl, and don't worry about it. If you trust your girl, and you KNOW that she loves you as much as you love her, then you shouldn't need to worry about all those "other guys." Flirt all they want; they'll never get anywhere...

Concerning your (rather irrational) nightmare about a gang of thugs surrounding your girlfriend and attacking her: Dude! Relax!!! If you happen upon such a scene, then you'll be justified in defense of a third person, PROVIDED the scene is one of imminent bodily harm to your girlfriend. NOW, if you go off half-cocked, and if all the so-called "thugs" were doing is admiring her appearance, inviting her to a party, or asking her for the time, then you won't be justified in attacking them.

(I must say, a jealous boyfriend with a gun is, by far, the MOST DANGEROUS kind of abuse of CCW. Crackheads? Crackheads will just rob you and will kill you only if you pose a threat in their minds. Jealous boyfriends, though, are TRULY unpredictable...)

Remember, if you happen upon a crowd of guys surrounding your girlfriend, call her over to you. DON'T walk up to her and allow yourself to be surrounded by the crowd. If the guys physically stop her from walking away, THEN you start becoming justified in using (some) force. Hang back, and watch the situation unfold...

Hope this helps. Mostly, though, my advice is to RELAX. Don't allow your fears and "what-if's" turn you into a paranoid, jealous boyfriend. It'll only ruin a good relationship with a good girl.

 

[Tanzer]

Don't separate the cart from the horse. I'm happy you and others find her attractive, but most BG's are looking for an easy mark, not a pretty one. Guys looking at your girl comes with the territory, and does not relate to using deadly force. My wife (and still is) was quite a specemine in years past, and my 14 year old girl is what all the girls want to look like, but I wouldn't pull a gun on some 40 year old pervert for eying her.

 

[HOKIEHUNTER]

Thanks for the response. I am a bit of the jealous boyfriend, but i dont really mind someone just looking and it's a great feeling when some jerk hits on her and she shoots him a look and walks over to me. but like i said here recently it's been a lot worse than just admiring and cat calls. and I'm not saying if she gets surrounded I'd go in with guns-a-blazin, I'm just saying that if she's got a look of terror on her face and they're being forceful, I was thinking getting the attention on me is a lot better than it being on her. I know everyone says that situation is unlikely, but hey that girl just got kidnapped from Target. I dont really care what town I'm in I'm always going to be a concerned. I'm a very level-headed person and have never in my life been in a fight or even a situation where talking couldnt get me out. the safety of my loved ones, however, is something that would really push me to brink. like i said, most of the time cat-calls just piss her off and make her come to my side, but here lately i've seen sitautions where there has been fear in her eyes and I just want to make sure I'm making the right decision should her walking away not suffice.

 

[Samurai]

I understand your position. But, you're exactly wrong. If you're there, armed, and she's there, and she's getting attacked by a big crowd, you keep the attention on HER. Don't allow them the opportunity to formulate a plan to gang-rush you, take the gun, and do whatever else they had in mind.

You're armed. When you're armed, you stay CONCEALED. All planning and action should evolve from CONCEALMENT. Allow that to sink into your mind, and allow it to alter your way of thinking about situations like this. If I ever (God forbid) have to use my weapon, then I can assure you that the guy I use it against will never even SEE it. I'll just be that scared-looking guy cowering in the corner...

Now, that said, quit worrying about it.

 

[Trip20]

She’s going to have men ask her out from time to time, and you must learn to live with this because you must trust that she can handle it.

I’d prescribe some insecurity counseling for you, along with some self-defense classes for her.

 

[Edward429451]

Does she dress like she's 'on the market'? No offense intended but girls sometimes bring the attention to themselves.

It comes with the territory. When this stuff used to happen to me (my girl), I took it in stride and sensed the compliment to ME for what I had. They're just posturing their studliness which is a natural thing, especially if they're with their buddies. I'd agree with them while taking my place beside her and starting her for the door or car etc.. Sometimes I'd get a jeer or crack on me at that point to which I'd respond with a "hey, good one! but lets take note who's taking her home tonight...." and continue on our way. No way would I telegraph the fact that I was armed to them. Do not let them jeer you into breaking your composure. Jealously is a sign of insecurity and if they get you to snap, they win. So they have good taste in women, so do you. You can't blame guys for having good taste in women even if they don't have any class.

 

[Tanzer]

Please remember that when you carry, you need to avoid confrontation at all cost. Some punk makes a wisecrack - you Think; "I'd like to twist him into a pretzel, but I can't because of this .45 I'm wearing", so you Do Not give the brat his just deserves, someone else will. If you get into a scrap, your gun is up for grabs - chances are too good it will be taken from/used on you or you may have now put yourself in the position of needing it. Neither will end well.

 

[jfrey123]

I agree with the guys here: keep the firearm concealed until absolutely necessary. When you go for your piece, whether you clear holster at low ready, or just put your hand on it, your are drastically upping the ante. If you see these guys around your woman, they had better be threatening her or restraining her (or worse ) before you jump to your piece.

With that out of the way, I think a lot of us are in the same boat, where we have girls who traded down . My girl doesn't wear make up, or really doll herself up because she's more casual. But when she does get dolled up, when we're out clubbin' or what not, she REALLY turns the heads. She refers to me as her "pit bull on a short leash" because she fears nothing when we're out together. She knows I go to condition orange at the drop of a hat, and she knows how to read it.

Just the other day, as we were getting ready to leave a "redneck" bar that a favorite local band was playing, some 40ish guy came up and put his hand on her shoulder. We were sitting at a table, and he "thought" he recognized her. I figured it was a drunken attempt at a smooth pickup line (Hey, don't I know you? No? Well let me buy you a drink anyway!) and I just started staring him down over her other shoulder. He saw that, backed away across the room, but kept lookin' at her like a piece of meat. We were getting ready to leave anyway, but I felt a confrontation coming, so I quietly but sternly whispered in her ear, "Leave. Go to the car. I'll follow in a minute." We've talked in the past and she really likes that I pay this much attention to these situations, cause she lives in color White So when I tell her something like that, she realizes something is not right and she complies. Got to the car, and she had a big hug waiting for me.

Keep up the good fight Hokie. There aren't enough of us guys in the world who actually know what a lady should be treated like!

 

[HOKIEHUNTER]

thanks guys for the replies, but like i said just some guys hitting on her ive dealt with and it's fine. but in the last few weeks it's been a lot more than just hitting on her. hitting on her i can deal with. they start getting physical and that's what i'm asking about. but to answer questions, no she does not dress like she's on the market. she's actually a singer in a Christian group and is very mindful of how her dress will affect her testimony. she sees the good in just about everyone, i just have no faith in their intentions. Anyways, i was basically seeing how many people thought getting their loved ones out of harms way was paramount to their own safety and if my methods i described were acceptable when the situation was ALREADY escalated. Like i said my main concern is her safety. I would much rather someone take my gun away from me and shoot me with it if she had time to get away than i would some pervs or thugs taking "shots" at her. anyways, i guess my thought process was a little off according to the posts i've gotten and that's why i asked.
Hokie

 

[Tanzer]

I would much rather someone take my gun away from me and shoot me with it if she had time to get away than i would some pervs or thugs taking "shots" at her. anyways,

No sir, You would not. They would shoot her too and there'd be one more gun on the street. It's been friendly 'till now, but that goes too far. Over and out.

 

[spacemanspiff]

Well what did she do before she started dating you to beat off the hordes of animals?

 

[CyberSEAL]

Hello Hokie...a lot of Hokies in my family. Women don't base their attraction for a man on looks (like men do). For women, it's more about personality and the way you make them "feel" when you're around them. That's why any average joe with a decent personality, confident, good humored nature can get a beautiful woman no problem. I'm sure you have those qualities in which case luck has nothing to do with it.

There's not much else to be said on this matter. You're dating a pretty girl and you've got to deal with what comes with it. As with anyone else, you do what you can to keep your loved ones safe...

 

[Fremmer]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but....

If she really is a hottie, then she's used to being hit on. You'll never be able to stop it, even when she's wearing a ring. A CCW won't stop rude people from making rude comments. Your gun won't stop men from hitting on her. However, an overreaction on your part with a gun will get you a quick trip to jail or the morgue. You're not the only one who carries a concealed gun or other concealed weapons, so you want to be sure that there is a real threat (and not just an overreaction) before you pull that gun; we don't want you to get arrested and/or shot. Anyway, just be careful with it, you seem to really care about her.

Worry less, and let her take care of guys who hit on her by telling them she's not interested. Please know that I'm not just trying to lecture or criticize you, just a different way of looking at things.

Good luck to you and your girlfriend!

 

[C Carman]

Reminds me of a song my friend's dad used to walk around the house singing, "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life..."

 

[Big Calhoun]

I'd say I'm in somewhat of the same situation. I think my wife is attractive, she gets looked at enough; but she's also not the most observant person either. 'Easy mark' I would have classified her as in my previous life.

Over the years, I've just tried to pass along simple things she can do to keep safe...walking with keys at the ready, parking where its lit, not using outdoor ATMs late at night, keeping doors locked, things like that. When we hear about stories of people (male or female) being robbed or assualted, I try to broach a conversation and talk about the circumstances and what she could possibly do in that situation. It's just constant discussion and reminding her to be safe and take the appropriate steps. Safety is a everyday thing!

As far as guys hitting on your girl and stuff...no comment. I actually don't mind because I have a great marriage and am secure on our relationship. I always looked at it like this, she could run off with some guy tomorrow, I'll be divorced the day after, and have more new guns by the end of the week. Gotta know when to make the best of a bad situation.

 

[Shamalama]

"hopefully i can convince her to get a CCW, but that's just not really her personality at this time."

She uses seat belts and air bags when she drives, doesn't she? To me being able to protect oneself from attack with a concealed weapon is the same thing.

I'm taking my gentle bride of 14 years to get her first CCW permit this weekend. She cannot depend on me because I'm not always at her side. She cannot depend on the cops because they're not always at her side. There comes a point that the individual has to become responsible for at least a portion of their own self defense - or remain a victim.

Take her to the range. Show her that a handgun is not the Evil Instrument Of Senseless Death that the media tries to show. Encourage her to become proactive, not reactive.

Good luck to the both of you. I'd like to hear her first range report, as well as her first handgun purchase, and the date she gets her permit.

 

[HOKIEHUNTER]

Shamalama,
Ive taken her to the range beforeand she loved it. just plinking with the .22 she had an absolute blast. the guys at the range got a pretty good kick out of it to, as she's pretty expressive when she does well... one guy let her shoot his semi-auto .223 of some kind and she loved it. she has no probs with guns and actually went turkey hunting, she just doesnt believe that carrying a gun is a necessity. She doesnt like the idea of me carrying on my person... in the car is fine with her, but she just thinks having a loaded gun at all times is paranoia. She likes the idea of a taser, so I'm hoping I can get her started with one someday and maybe progress from there.

But guys, a lot of people keep saying i need to just man-up about the flirting and her getting hit on. the crude stuff pisses me off, but overall I dont really mind it. I'm talking about when they get overly physical to the point of trying to overpower and intimidate her. I'm not saying some guy puts his arm around her and i shoot him in the face, i'm saying if he gets "GROPEY" and there is a clear threat. is this sitaution likely to happen? probably a lot more likely to happen than walking in on a robbery at a convience store where I'm from, but people still consider that situation and plan for it. probably a lot more likely around here than a forceful home invasion but i doubt anyone would say to not worry about that. Like I said i was asking for advice on how to handle the sitaution. and yes i would much rather something happen to me than a family member or a friend so that's where I was coming from. like some of you said, it's likely that i need to change my way of thinking and look at it from a broader point of view, but I'll be danged if I let anything happen to her or, for that matter, any one of my female family members while I'm around.

anyways, thanks for the responses and if anyone else has something to add that isn't "dude get over guys flirting with her" i'm all ears. how would you handle the situation if the person you love is in danger of being kidnapped or raped?

 

[Bobarino]

Hokie,

your attitude is going to get you or her hurt if a situation like what you describe should ever occur. if there is a person or group harassing her, your LAST move is to reveal that you are armed. your first defense is the Nike defense. get the heck out of there. if you brandish without proper provocation, you're escalating the situation to a level that it doesn't need to be brought to. just smile, grit your teeth, take all the insults and walk away. the only time you should reveal that you are armed is when you are just about to use it to defend against death or serious bodily harm. verbal vomit from hoodlums isn't that serious. always remember the sticks and stones saying.

i've dated pretty girls too, the last one for a long time (7 years) and i ran into similar situations. the best thing to do in a situation like that is to walk right up to her and plant a big ol' kiss on her in front of all the ooglers. that's usually enough to shut 'em up. i've been challenged to fist fights before and i cordially declined and walked away. sure they'll sling more insults at you, calling various parts of a woman's anatomy, they'll tell your girl to get with a "real man" etc etc etc. but both you know and she knows that by walking away even while being insulted and challenged, you just saved that guy's life. he doesn't know that, but the two of you will and you can feel good about that.

My current girlfriend is quite a looker too but she's much more of a feminist than the last one and she doesn't put up with any garbage from anyone, especially horny and crude guys. its a kick to watch her verbally work over some "tough guy" that attempts to hit on her. i let her go to town while covering her 6, just in case. then i plant a big ol' kiss on her in front of the guy just to put an exclamation point on it.

point is, get used to the typical neanderthal appraoches to your woman. take them with a grain of salt, but don't take them personally. after all, you're the one she goes home with at night, not them. you obviously aren't that type, which is probably a big part of why she's with you. confidence and respect go a long way in a woman's eyes.

being brave enough to walk away is tough and seems contradictory but its what you have to do. it takes more guts to walk away than it does to threaten someone with a gun, which could land your keister in jail if youget reported and there was no threat of death or injury. it may hurt your pride to tuck tail and run but it'll hurt your sphincter worse if you don't and end up in the slammer.

Bobby

 

[JoeBlackSpade]

In my humble opinion, the burden on most of this rests not with YOU, but with her.

If she's as beautiful on the inside as you say she is on the outside, she'll say and do the things necessary to keep these other guys in check, and FAR away from her. A woman who RESPECTS you as much as you respect her will not draw out the dirtbags to the level of confrontation you seem to be concerned about.

My wife was a hottie when I met her (she's not too bad now either) and there were times I'd be sitting at the bar with her (before we were married) and other guys would come up to her. I'd sit next to her with a HUGE wise-ass smile on my face, as they got shot down. I knew I was going home with her, and that knowledge gave me a huge confidence boost. The smile I wore allowed me to stay a cool 32 degrees even under the most intense heat. Later my lady confessed that this coolness made me even more irresistible to her, and made the other guys look pathetic.

Let me ring the macho bell a little too. Sounds to me like you're a redblooded American with a good dose of testosterone in your blood- just like me. When I was in situations similar to the one you've described, I absolutely KNEW I could crush well more than half of those guys. I was a Marine in my prime, and spent my days learning how to professionally kill people and blow things up. No sir, avoiding conflict does NOT make you a loser or coward. It makes you farking cool.

Besides all this, its not your job to protect her like a dog protects a fire-hydrant. If you care for her, my opinion is to respect her enough to handle guys admiring her. If she's really as hot as you say (which I don't doubt one bit) then you'll have to understand that she's already had to handle herself before you came along. If you're going to be jealous, and territorial, never mind the relationship challenges you could face, you're also going to turn benign situations into potentially dangerous ones, not only jeapordizing your own safety but hers as well.

A concealed weapon does not give you a permit to act like you have a bigger penis than the next guy. A firearm is an extremely dangerous weapon that can- and will- destroy lives. If your nightmare scenario EVER comes true, and she's being assaulted as you come out of the bathroom with your zipper down, then yeah, escalate the force necessary. Otherwise, have a little confidence in yourself, and in your girl, and you'll be fine.