Rules for Texas

[Gopher]

RULE 1:
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day.
Let them cook something they know.

RULE 2:
Don't laugh at folks' names.
Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tommie Jo,
Johnny Bob, Mari Beth, Marva, Edna Earl,
and Inez have been known to whip a
man's ass for less than that.

RULE 3:
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead
to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want
a Pepsi, Sprite, or Dr. Pepper. Got it?

RULE 4:
Southern women don't fancy the smart mouth Yankees. Just
remember, they all have Big brothers and Bigger daddies.

RULE 5:
Don't show allegiances to any other school football team but
the Longhorns or Aggies. All the others are a bunch of candy
asses who play Wyoming every week.

RULE 6:
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better
educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
We just talk that way to piss you off.

RULE 7:
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining,
spend your money, and go home.

RULE 8:
No, the state symbol of TEXAS is not the orange and white
highway barrel. This road construction is ticking us off too.

RULE 9:
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you
do this, everyone will know you're from Nebraska.
Just eat the biscuits like GOD meant for you to do.
And do not order poached eggs.
No one from the South eats eggs poached.

RULE 10:
Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have
one or use regional idioms you can't possibly understand.
Nothing makes us madder.

RULE 11:
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home.
We're not going to change to make you happy. So if you don't
like it here, Delta is ready when you are!

RULE 12:
Our food isn't overcooked; yours is undercooked.

RULE 13:
Down here, "Kiss my ass" is a perfectly acceptable way
to close an argument. You can't get more closure than that.

RULE 14:
Flirting is a Southern tradition. It doesn't mean you're going
home with someone later. It doesn't mean the person flirting
with you is even interested. It's all just practice.

Rule 15:
Take your hat off when you say the words "Tom Landry."

 

[Art Eatman]

Take the corn-shuck OFF the tamale before eating!

Jalapenos are good for you! No more sinus problems!

God loves the Longhorns--that's why sunsets are Burnt Orange.

Aggies are Okay. Although, there was the Aggie coyote who chewed off three paws and was still caught in the trap.

, Art

 

[Jeff OTMG]

Regarding Rule 2. Let us not forget Ima Hogg. She did much for the capital and it will piss people off if you make fun of her.

 

[TexasVet]

Corallary to Rule 1: NEVER order a steak at a Mexican resturant. If they make them, you don't want to eat it.! And if they ask you if you want the mild or hot chile? Take the mild and try not to cry while you eat it.

------------------
Tonkin Gulf Yacht Club
68-70

 

[Incursion]

corollary to rule 10: don't make fun of our use of the word yall.

 

[Munro Williams]

Incursion:
Can I make fun of your spelling?

Y'all is a time honored version of the first person plural, which other, less literate English speakers ignore.

 

[David Scott]

The number one rule in Texas is that PORK is NOT BARBECUE! Ever since I moved from Austin to Florida we've had to do our own to get decent barbecue.

Other advice to Non-Texas:

* Yeah, it's a gun. So what? G'wan 'bout yer bidness.

* When meeting another car on a country road, you extend the index finger up from the steering wheel as a greeting. Waving is too extravagant and other fingers might get you whupped. Also, it don't matter if you don't know the other person; they don't know you, so it's even.

* Also on country roads, do NOT blow your horn or do the road rage thing if you get stuck behind slow moving farm equipment. Just wait till it's safe to pass or he turns off. Disrespecting the American farmer is like taking a whizz on an original Norman Rockwell. Besides, any one who works a 12 - 16 hour day on a farm is in shape to whup you.

* You can NOT learn country and western dancing by watching, not even the Cotton-Eyed Joe, which Texans don't do much anyway.

* Learn local pronunciation. Carol Burnett (pronounced burr-NET) may be from San Antonio, but the TOWN of Burnet is pronounced "BURN-it". Anglos referring to the San Jacinto monument say "Jah-SIN-toe", Hispanics say "Hah-SEEN-toe". As with the Texan accent, do NOT attempt to fake Spanish.

* Important social skill: you must be able to flip an empty aluminum can out the window and into the pickup bed from the front seat, without looking. Littering is frowned upon. PS: "Pickup truck" is redundant. It's a pickup. Trucks have more than four wheels.

* Do NOT mess with the Bluebonnets that grow along most highways. This is the state flower of Texas. Tampering with it will get you hung upside down in the Capitol rotunda and cowhided.

* Blue Bell ice cream. They eat all they can and sell the rest. Take the factory tour in Brenham. This stuff is frozen heaven.

 

[JimR]

This topic well covered recently here on TFL.