Stupid, I know, but #3 cracked me up (& it's gun-related) .... from an e-mail ...
"3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory): If an infinite
number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an in-
finite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce
all the works of Shakespeare in Braille.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject:Symbolic Logic):Communist China is
technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical
ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics): The earth may
spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are
brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may
cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics): The quantity of
consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a
Texan to warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion): When a cat
is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed
to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a
hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the
cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the
giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail could
easily link New York with Chicago.
___________________________________________________
One day my young daughter and I were listening to one of my
old Simon and Garfunkel albums. When one particular song was
finished, she asked me, "Well, did he?"
"Did he what?"
"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" "
"3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory): If an infinite
number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an in-
finite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce
all the works of Shakespeare in Braille.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject:Symbolic Logic):Communist China is
technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical
ideas at a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics): The earth may
spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are
brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may
cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics): The quantity of
consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a
Texan to warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion): When a cat
is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed
to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a
hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the
cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the
giant buttered toast-cat array, a high-speed monorail could
easily link New York with Chicago.
___________________________________________________
One day my young daughter and I were listening to one of my
old Simon and Garfunkel albums. When one particular song was
finished, she asked me, "Well, did he?"
"Did he what?"
"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" "
(I'll have to try that with my cat. Maybe use Texas Toast?