mall ninja now working at king soopers?

D

Dr.Rob

Staff Alumnus
Last weds, I took my mom to the grocery store. Mom is handicapped by bad knees and has a "moblie" hadicap permit for parking which she can put in any car.

Enter stage left resplendent in "urban" grey bloused BDU pants Hi tec swat boots and wraparound sunglasses. Brush cut staning at attention like a marine on parade. Sam Browne over the shoulder belt sporting 4 (four) hicaps for his ruger autopistol, oc spray, cuffs and maglight, leather gloves tucked in front. Lighter grey epauletted shirt emblazoned "security" (bet there was arrmor plate under that he looked a bit "husky" if you know what I mean) All evildoers were staying away from that King Soopers my friends! My license plate was noted, the handicap sticker # reported and America remained FREE.

Good to know mall ninja is on the job!

I felt so proud I saluted on the way back to the jeep with mom and a box of popsicles.
 
W

Wallew

Moderator
I feel safer already. And now I will keep my eyes peeled for Mall Ninja. Which King Soopers? I live in SE Denver. Would love to drop by this one.
 
E

Elizabeth Petersen

New member
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Holy cow, people!

I have been trying for DAYS to spot a Mall Ninja In The Wild...with absolutely no luck so far.

And here you people are, reporting sightings left and right and NOT ONE OF YOU HAS TAKEN A PICTURE.

I am so disappointed.

What am I gonna do with y'all?
 
J

Justin

New member
This is like hunting the elusive Yeti.
First one to bag real evidence gets an exclusive interview in The Weekly World News!
 
L

Ledbetter

New member
Mall Ninja Files

The call came in. Box of corn flakes down on aisle twelve. My training kicked in and I remained calm and focused. "Slow down. What kind of corn flakes?"

"Kellogg's. Post. Oh, I don't know, it happened so fast."

Civilians.

I approached the corner of aisle twelve and the meat case. A flounder stared up at me with a dead cold eye. I drew my Desert Eagle, "Rosco," out of my Uncle Mike's Black Tactical holster. As I had been trained, I held the gun straight up in the air, next to my right ear, with both fingers on the trigger. I snapped the safety off.

I keyed the mike: "Unit 2; I'm goin' in."


Next time, Chapter 2: I Meant to Do That
 
T

Thibault

New member
Elizabeth,
Have you tried baiting them?
I believe Mall Ninjas have to be treated like black bear: you can try to spot and stalk for a while, but best results come over bait.
Try turning around in a parking lot, seemingly drooling over a handicapped-reserved parking space for a while.
Or
Try standing still in a shopping mall, looking either hopelessly lost/looking for mishaps.

Spray yourself in Hoppes #9, they have a fair sense of smell.
 
D

Dennis

Staff Emeritus
Elizabeth,

"Sounds like the theme from Mission Impossible!!!"

Yeah, by the one and only

Mall Ninja Comb Kazoo Marching Band!

;) (sigh)
 
A

Arrell

New member
I was wrong, and I knew it. But it did not stop me. I slowed and told my partner to jump out of the car, make it fast, don't know how much time we have. As I circled the area, I spied the ever elusive Mall Ninja. "Walking Boss" sun glasses, no smile. As he glanced away, I thought. "Here's my chance". I eased along side the forbidden red curb. The sweat began to run into my eyes, down the back of my neck, I stopped, my partner will not be much longer. My heart began to slow, the sweat stopped running into my eyes. I began to calm. Where's my partner, I began to worry. I scanned the area for my nemisis. He must have gone into the Stop and Rob, for a free slushy. I'm OK. Suddenly, I hear the whir of an electric motor, recognizing the rythmic hum to be the sound of supercharged turbo electric Mall Ninja patrol vehicle. I looked in my rear view mirror. There, at my six o'clock, approaching at the dizzing speed a pregnant dachsund, the Ninja moved in for the kill. I spot my partner, gallon of milk in her hand, hurry, for God's sake, hurry! As I keep my eyes on the rear view, the golf cart gets closer, will my partner arrive fast enough to avoid capture, arrest, inprisonment, torture? The door opens, my wife gets in, I throw my vehicle into drive and ease away. Glancing in the mirror, I see the Ninja slam his hand on the steering wheel in frustration, lost another one, he turns and begins circling the parking lot, a hungry shark. My wife says "Sorry I took so long, the line was kinda long, Babe, You OK." "Yeah, I'm OK"...If she only knew, if she only knew.
 
J

Justin

New member
______________________
"Sounds like the theme from Mission Impossible!!!"

Yeah, by the one and only

Mall Ninja Comb Kazoo Marching Band!
________________________


Or Limp Bizkit, whichever strikes you as having the smallest amount of musical talent.
 
E

Elizabeth Petersen

New member
From the Files of the Mall Ninja Task Force

King Soopers on a Saturday afternoon.

So, no ****, there we were…

We got the call that morning from our TFL MNTF LLRP operative, Dr “Doc” Rob. It was the call we had all been waiting for. A confirmed Mall Ninja Sighting at the King Soopers. As all other single-operative missions had thus far been a complete and utter failure, the Boss Man, Big JimR ordered the Task Force’s best operatives to respond ASAP PDQ to the KS.

We were the best of the best, the Top Guns of the MNTF…well, the most likely not to forget our cameras or shoot ourselves in the foot:

Dennis “The Menace”: The Leader of our covert team of Ninja Hunters
“Frenchie” Thibault: The brains behind “Operation Ninja Bait”
Ledbetter “Mr. Better Living through Lead”: Our getaway driver in case things got hinky.
Shooter “Wheels” 22: The guy with the bail money and the ability to operate a cell phone under Live Fire conditions.

And me. “Red” Petersen. THE BAIT.

It was a dangerous mission. We knew the risks when we signed up for this outfit. We were ready.

After a completing our pre-mission tactical lunch assault at Wang Wei’s Noodle and Fish Food Palace, we beat feet to our destination. Mr. Led drove the MNTF Ninja Assault Vehicle: A 1976 Dodge Monaco police pursuit model with a 440-cubic-inch engine and Positraction rear end. Jet-black. Tinted windows. (Note to self: make sure to return keys to LawDog when done.)

After several wrong turns and an accidental deployment of the nitro-boost system that propelled us some 150 miles past the King Soopers, we finally made it to Ground Zero. Led parked the NAV in an inconspicuous spot near the empty cart return stall. Dennis “The Menace” quickly outlined the Plan. I sucked nervously on my jumbo mug of Mountain Dew. “Frenchie” Thibault nervously fingered the safety on his Minolta Tactical 35mm (complete with quick draw pouch, glow in the dark doo-dad buttons and decidedly phallic-looking zoom lens). Led spied a gaggle of cheerleaders on a makeup-and-hairspray sortie and honked the horn, which, to our utter dismay, beeped out a long refrain from the unofficial Texas State Anthem, “My State Is Bigger Than Yours And We Can Whup Your Butt Any Ole Day”. (Note to self: remember to reconnect horn before returning keys to LawDog.)

After thoroughly drenching myself with Eau de Hoppes #9, I slipped out of the NAV. Checked the perimeter, then turned and flashed my partners the “All Clear” signal. Frenchie and The Menace followed behind me a few paces back. I could hear them quietly arguing about the legal ramifications of armed parochial school nuns. I wondered how they could be so relaxed when here I was, armed with only my formidable charm, rapier-like wit and my ability to behave Utterly Clueless.

I hadn’t even made it to the doors when things went bad in a hurry. I knew HE was there even before I turned around. Maybe it was the sound of metal spiked shoes clapping against the tarmac. Or the smell of Old Spice and Dippity Do Ultra Hold hair gel. Or perhaps it was unmistakable scent of Gatorade and chocolate Ho-Hos. Whatever it was, it triggered all of my internal warning bells. I hoped to God that Frenchie and the Menace were watching my six, because I knew this was gonna be ugly when I heard the words:

“Excuse me, miss…I think you better come with me.”

And so ends this week’s bone-chilling chapter of the “MN-Files”.

Tune in next time, Ninjaketeers, to learn the fate of our Fearless Heroes:

Will Red escape the clutches of the Mall Ninja? Will Frenchie ever get the picture? Will Mr. Led figure out how to operate the cool spotlight on the NAV? Will The Menace ever accept the fact Armed Parochial School Nuns is just a misguided fantasy of his? Will LawDog ever find out who swiped his car?

The answers in the next edge-of-your-computer-seat episode of…

THE MALL NINJA FILES.
 
E

Elizabeth Petersen

New member
Mullet or High and Tight?

Fed168...

Hmmm. Good question. I will have to consult my "Field Guide to Identifying the Mall Ninja and All Its Subclassifications."

I'll keep you posted.
 
L

Ledbetter

New member
No wait--tell me more about the car.

The TFL Interceptor. I must have it. Instead of "To protect and to serve" it says "Molon Labe" on the side.
 
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