Letter to Ben and Jerry's...Conservatism(long)

[Destructo6]

There's Something In My Ice Cream!!!
1/1/0099

Yeech! There's Something In My Ice Cream!
Let's crush Ben & Jerry's!
by Tom Adkins

Last week, I found a nasty surprise in a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough frozen yogurt. Buried in one of those luscious globs of goo was a fingernail clipping, which my tongue unfortunately found. I mailed the offending fingernail clipping and the empty container back to Ben &Jerry's with a heartbreaking letter, which I'll share with you.
________________

Dear Ben & Jerry's,

I am an avid ice-cream lover. I've always found Ben & Jerry's ice cream exceptional. But I found a fingernail shaving in my last pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. (It is enclosed for your review.) Yeccchhhh!

This puts me in a predicament. Normally, I'm a conservative capitalist who wouldn't worry about this. But lately, I've been inspired by your political activism. I am wondering how I should resolve this fingernail-in-the-ice-cream crisis. Should I take the socialist, liberal activism you recommend? If so, I must immediately establish a class action lawsuit against Ben & Jerry's. I'll shed tears on CNN. And cry bitterly on 60 Minutes. I'll take my case to the American people via NBC, ABC, CBS, XYX, and every media outlet across America in a personal vendetta against the nasty, uncaring Ben & Jerry's corporation. I shall start a nationwide boycott. I'll create a nonprofit group, dedicated to monitoring Ben & Jerry's. Actually, we'd be dedicated to destroying Ben & Jerry's, but we'll pretend we were motivated by altruism. We can actually pay ourselves to protest, like all the liberal groups do. I'll be president, of course. I'll pay myself a handsome salary, for making such a sacrifice to serve my fellow man. I'll call it "Group for Ethical Treatment from Ben & Jerry's" (GETBJ), That would lead to a government oversight committee, and I'd bring dozens of big-time celebrity witnesses to testify against Ben & Jerry's failures. Maybe Calista Flockhart.

I can see the trial transcripts...

CALISTA: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"I was really bummed out when my boyfriend stopped calling. (sniff) I discovered he was having a fling with the cashier at Burger World. I was devastated. That night, I sat down with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I ate the whole thing...and guess what? (sob) I didn't feel happier. So I ate another pint. NOTHING. I slurped down FIVE PINTS OF BEN & JERRY'S. And I didn't feel ONE BIT HAPPIER. For years, ice cream has been portrayed as the salve for every woman's psychological wounds. But this time, when I really needed it the most, Ben & Jerry's failed me! (Bitter sob) But worse, it threw me on a path away from the anorexia and bulimia that had made me a big star. NOW look at me...I weighed 103 pounds this morning. How am I going to keep my stardom if I'm 20 pounds overweight??? It's AWFUL!!!! So you see why every woman in America should join in this class-action suit against these
mean-spirited people who have been LYING to women the WHOLE TIME!!!" "Uh...femme gay guys can join, too..."[/quote]

SEN HELMS: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Well, young lady...perhaps we should consider a ban on this product?"[/quote]
CALISTA: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Are you nuts, Senator? We should tax every Ben & Jerry's pint 3 bucks, so we can fund universal health care...you know...for the children..."[/quote]

Ice cream is a dangerous product, as well. How many tongues have gotten stuck to frozen spoons? How many women (and chubby rock stars like Meatloaf or Ann Wilson) have suffered ice cream that gets stuck in long hair? What about embarrassing flatus for the lactose intolerant? And that poor fellow in Duluth who dumped ice cream on his lap? Do you have any idea what happens to a man when 20-degree ice cream hits the family jewels?

Permanent damage!!! Irreparable scars!!! And mental anguish beyond description!!! Oh, the humanity!!! I think he is due about 3 million, at least. I have the right to get my ice cream without the fear of fingernails. I want a fingernail-free label on all ice cream.

We must create a federal Department of Ice Cream. There should be a license to make or eat ice cream. We'll have a Zero Fingernail Tolerance campaign, too. We'll need 100,000 ice-cream cops. Our secret long-term goal would be to eliminate ice cream from America. After all, heart disease is the #1 killer of Americans, WAY more than gun violence. The Department of Ice Cream should bring a civil rights lawsuit against Ben & Jerry's, too. After all, Ben & Jerry's has secretly targeted people with a sweet-tooth or boyfriend problems...and then callously threw fingernails into ice-cream after they're hooked. And if I don't get my way? I'll get a few thousand people together, march to Vermont and have a good old-fashioned riot. I hear those anarchists from the Battle in Seattle are itching for another fight. Ben & Jerry's certainly deserves such treatment, having become just another out-of-touch conglomerate seeking world domination at the expense of the little guy. FORTUNATELY, however, I am an avid capitalist. I will take the market approach. As a consumer, I am making the assumption that this fingernail was unintentional, and Ben & Jerry's will take it upon themselves to make sure it doesn't happen again. After all, too many incidents like this and the word will get around. And Ben & Jerry's is not only interested in a quality product, but staying in business as well. This is called "personal responsibility." The core of conservatism. The antithesis of liberalism. And fortunately for Ben & Jerry's, I am a conservative capitalist. I, the consumer, will make my own judgment as to how I will handle this.

And I choose to simply write you a letter. Of course, 50,000 people will read this article, and I can't make assumptions for them. Perhaps the next time you make a presentation to congress, you might extol the joys of Conservative Capitalism. It's a beautiful thing. It's probably saved your ass a hundred times already, and you don't even know it. Say...did I just hear some Oreo's fall on the floor?

Yours,
Tom Adkins
Executive Publisher
the Common Conservative http://commonconservative.com/

 

[fubsy]

Unfortunately they wont get the point....those libs dont care about logic,,,just how they feel...fubsy.

 

[Glenn E. Meyer]

I heard that Ben and Jerry are trying to sell out to some big rich dudes. Vermont was all upset by this as a new owner might not use local milk, be ecologically minded and nice to employees. The Governor was actually looking for or did get special incentive legislation.

Perhaps, Ben and Jerry's will be bought by Colt and moved to Indonesia.

Also, didn't BJ's hire a CEO from Winchester to help with the business. When one of them was asked if this was against their principles, they said something like"
"This is Business"

 

[G-Freeman]

This from www.junkscience.com :Unsafe Levels of Dioxin Found in Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, Study Says

Washington, November 8 -- Unsafe levels of dioxin were measured in a sample of Ben &
Jerry's brand ice cream, according to a new study published on Junkscience.com.

Ben & Jerry's promotional literature, available at its "scoop shops" and on its web site, states,
"Dioxin is known to cause cancer, genetic and reproductive defects and learning disabilities...
The only safe level of dioxin exposure is no exposure at all." Dioxin is a by-product of
industrial processes and may also be created naturally through combustion of plant materials.

The study authors report that, according to Ben & Jerry's and U.S. Environmental Protection
Agency standards, the level of dioxin measured could cause about 200 "extra" cancers among
lifetime consumers of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

"The level of dioxin in a single serving of the Ben & Jerry's World's Best Vanilla Ice Cream
tested was almost 200 times greater than the "virtually safe [daily] dose" determined by the
EPA, said Michael Gough, lead study author. Gough is a former government scientist who
chaired the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services advisory panel on the effects of
dioxin-contaminated Agent Orange on U.S. Air Force personnel in Vietnam.

"An independent laboratory measured 0.79 ± 0.38 parts per trillion of dioxin in the sample of
ice cream, " said Gough . "Our result has measurement error associated with it and the sample
may or may not be representative of all Ben & Jerry's ice cream, but our result is consistent
with current scientific literature."

Gough and Milloy noted they believe existing scientific evidence does not credibly link low
levels of dioxin exposure with human health effects. "But not everyone agrees," said co-author
Steven Milloy, editor of Junkscience.com. "Ben & Jerry's and Greenpeace, the company's
source for information on dioxin, have concluded that dioxin is not safe at any level."

"If dioxin is so dangerous, perhaps Ben & Jerry's should remove its ice cream from the market
until it is 'safe,' consistent with the company's promotional literature," suggested Milloy.

"Many children enjoy Ben & Jerry's ice cream," said Milloy, "but by the company's own
standards, its ice cream is not safe. Are they are choosing corporate profits over children's
health?" he asked. "Maybe an appropriate new flavor would be 'Tasty Toxics' or 'World's
Best Hypocrisy'."

A copy of the report is at Junkscience.com (http://www.junkscience.com): HTML|PDF.

 

[swampgator]

That dude has way too much time on his hands.

Sad to say but Ben and Jerry's does make the best Ice Cream on the market. Even sadder to say I haven't had ANY since PBA boycotted due to their support of a convicted cop killer.

Oh well, Food Lion has store brand at $ 2.50 1/2 gal buy one get one free. HOOAH!

Gator

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Root Hog or Die Poor

 

[DC]

Sorry...this is off topic but its been driving me nuts and swampgator doesn't have an e-mail visible.

So, Hey Swamp...what does "Root Hog" mean?

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"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes" RKBA!

 

[pate]

They support the anti-gun movement in order to save the children, yet they target these same children with their saturated fat/sugar-laden crap. Jackasses.

 

[Al Thompson]

DC, I'll take a swing at 'Gators sig.

When a hog searches for subterranian food, they push the dirt up with their snout. This digging in the dirt is called "rooting". It's a common backwoods southern term. If your rummaging in your backpack or purse, your "rooting" around for the item.

The idea is that "Root Hog or Die" means to get off your 4th point of contact and get to work. Another way of saying it would be "work hard or starve".

Hope I haven't "cornfused" the issue.

Giz

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"I don't make enough money to buy cheap stuff" - Mark Manning

 

[Dennis]

Would the "modern" version not be, "Just DO it!"?

I frequently hear, "Git after it!", meaning very close to what you describe, Gizmo.

 

[DC]

Ahh,
We say root here too....synonym for diggin around.
Seemed that Gator's sig was more formal, so I thought it was some Southern esoteric college cheer or arcane cracker philosophy (which it apparently is, doi! )
Thanks Giz and thanks to you Gator...I like it: precise and succinct

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"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes" RKBA!

 

[B Shipley]

"Ben&Jerry's makes the best ice cream on the market"? My a--! While it's not the world's greatest, Haagen-Daz is a lot better and actually uses real sugar, instead of "liquid sugar" (a.k.a., sugar water) and, my memory fails me here, no skim milk or additives, like some companies. Even Baskin-Robbins uses cream instead of milk solids to get their butterfat up.

Last I looked H-D vanilla, with its superpremium butterfat content, low overrun (air content), and superior mouthfeel (if the supermarket hasn't let it thaw and refreeze, thus getting icy), contained cream, milk, sugar, egg yolks, and vanilla extract; no sodium benzoate or other crap.

The only B&J flavor that I like is pistachio pistachio.

I met Ben & Jerry at an ice cream convention in Chicago in '85 or '86, before they "divorced" and Jerry went off to live in a commune in Arizona, and wasn't impressed then and still am not. Just hyped up socialist Baskin-Robbins.