Dennis Olson
New member
Got this in my email today. If it weren't so close to the truth, I'd find it a LOT funnier. As it is, I'm STILL laughing....
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How would the Democrats respond if Jesus himself were on the GOP ticket? Talk show host Jayne Carroll of Portland Oregon's KUIK AM 1360 imagines such a scenario, and she's probably not far off the mark.
CALLING FOR A "RETURN TO CHARACTER & PRINCIPLE", TEXAS GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH ANNOUNCED TODAY JESUS CHRIST WILL BE HIS RUNNING MATE
By Jayne Carroll
Faster than our commander in chief is known for dropping his pants in and out of the oval office, Al Gore Democrats began aggressively goring Bush's choice. Democrats Maxine Waters and Diane Feinstein, who claimed no personal working experience with Jesus, said they were certain he is a nice guy, but it does not dispel the fact that he, Jesus, "is a right wing religious zealot who chauvinistically surrounds himself with only male advisors."
Washington Senator Patty Murray, on Chris Mathews's HARDBALL program, lambasted Jesus, who has returned to an impressive career of public service after a 2000 year hiatus, as "too old to relate to modern hip, savvy, well dressed women like Rosie O'Donnell & Madeline Albright."
Editorial headlines in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Hustler Magazine called Christ's addition to the Bush ticket, "AN OBSCENE AND INAPPROPRIATE MIXTURE OF CHURCH AND STATE!"
"The most blatant political pandering to Jewish Americans I have ever witnessed," snarled first lady and New York Senate candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Jesus, who began his acceptance speech in his recently adopted home state of Tennessee with a prayer, was soundly denounced by the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton for abusing his political stage to shove his right wing religious agenda down the throats of an unreceptive and diverse American populace.
Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank, who broke away from a high level meeting with congressional pages, said of the Republican nominee's selection of Jesus as a running mate, "George W. Bush, who I was planning to vote for if he added McCain or Tom Ridge to the ticket, demonstrates once and for all that he is a total puppet of right wing Christian zealots."
CBS anchor Dan Rather gave an extensive and not very encouraging update on Jesus' well known health problems. Rather's scientific report--with full color graphs of Jesus' brain and heart, both of which officially stopped years ago following his well publicized crucifixion--indicated Christ's life expectancy to be short lived. A prominent group of Washington physicians, D.C. Docs for Al Gore, who were assembled earlier in the campaign to confirm that the V.P. does have a heart and a pulse, called Bush's selection of a man with notorious health problems "irresponsible."
National Organization for Women President Patricia Ireland said, "Jesus may be, according to his all old white boy network, a good and decent man, but one can only conclude that he is the essence of evil for his "well known opposition to a woman's right to choose."
Headlines in the National Enquirer read today, BUSH RUNNING MATE KNOWN TO HANG OUT WITH HOOKERS, PAN HANDLERS, AND HOMELESS.
Vice President Al Gore, in a surprise televised address to the nation, paid for by the Buddhist Nuns for Gore Committee, made the following poignant statement:
"As a man uncomfortable dwelling on personal family tragedies, I feel compelled to speak to the American people from my heart about my opponent's running mate selection."
"Back when Tipper and I began our own personal Love Story at Harvard, we had a very dear and close friend--actually he was more like my brother--his name was Bob, and he was the best." (Gore pauses to choke back tears) (Gore composing himself) "Unlike most of my generation, Bob didn't stop at the healthy and character building smoking of grass, but at a too young and tender age turned to consuming wine. He drank wine morning, noon, and night. Like most Harvard men, he started with the good vintages but in the end he was guzzling the cheap stuff---Ripple, Thunderbird, and finally the lowest quality and most addictive wine known to man, the wine used by churches in communion services!" (Gore falls to the ground sobbing, pounding the floor with profound grief)
(Gore composes himself and goes into full African American preacher mode) "As my brother Bob's health deteriorated, his once promising post Harvard life in tatters, I vowed that until I gasped my very last breath that Tipper and I would do everything we could to keep our family, our children, our country away from the catastrophic lethal impacts of communion wine. Tipper and I realized even back the Jesus' significant role in enabling and encouraging the consumption of wine. Why, without Jesus, we wouldn't even have communion wine in America today!
"If wine has almost destroyed your family, like it has mine you must join the Gore crusade and vote against the Bush/Christ ticket in November. Thank you America and God Bless you all." (End of Gore televised address)
Following Alpha Male Gore's heartfelt televised address, his entourage of supporters left their campaign office at CNN studios for a soft money DNC fundraiser at at the Commerce Department hosted by Seagrams International.
Wrapping up the Democratic goring of Bush's V.P. selection, lame duck President Bill Clinton, who was busy doing the work of the American people selecting the robe and boxer underwear he will wear to the upcoming Democratic Los Angeles fundraiser at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, had only this to say, "JESUS CHRIST!!!!!".
(Jayne Carroll is host of The Jayne Carroll Show on Portland Oregon's KUIK AM 1360.)
From 3 to 6 p.m. Pacific, Jayne takes listeners home every day with a lively, open-line talk show! She is a longtime Northwest political analyst and callers jam AM-1360 KUIK's phone lines every day to speak with Jayne on-air about local issues and politics!
email Jayne at radiojayne@aol.com , and visit the KUIK website where you can listen to Jayne's show live from 3 to 6 p.m. Pacific.
[This message has been edited by Dennis Olson (edited August 09, 2000).]
-----------------------
How would the Democrats respond if Jesus himself were on the GOP ticket? Talk show host Jayne Carroll of Portland Oregon's KUIK AM 1360 imagines such a scenario, and she's probably not far off the mark.
CALLING FOR A "RETURN TO CHARACTER & PRINCIPLE", TEXAS GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH ANNOUNCED TODAY JESUS CHRIST WILL BE HIS RUNNING MATE
By Jayne Carroll
Faster than our commander in chief is known for dropping his pants in and out of the oval office, Al Gore Democrats began aggressively goring Bush's choice. Democrats Maxine Waters and Diane Feinstein, who claimed no personal working experience with Jesus, said they were certain he is a nice guy, but it does not dispel the fact that he, Jesus, "is a right wing religious zealot who chauvinistically surrounds himself with only male advisors."
Washington Senator Patty Murray, on Chris Mathews's HARDBALL program, lambasted Jesus, who has returned to an impressive career of public service after a 2000 year hiatus, as "too old to relate to modern hip, savvy, well dressed women like Rosie O'Donnell & Madeline Albright."
Editorial headlines in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Hustler Magazine called Christ's addition to the Bush ticket, "AN OBSCENE AND INAPPROPRIATE MIXTURE OF CHURCH AND STATE!"
"The most blatant political pandering to Jewish Americans I have ever witnessed," snarled first lady and New York Senate candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Jesus, who began his acceptance speech in his recently adopted home state of Tennessee with a prayer, was soundly denounced by the Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton for abusing his political stage to shove his right wing religious agenda down the throats of an unreceptive and diverse American populace.
Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank, who broke away from a high level meeting with congressional pages, said of the Republican nominee's selection of Jesus as a running mate, "George W. Bush, who I was planning to vote for if he added McCain or Tom Ridge to the ticket, demonstrates once and for all that he is a total puppet of right wing Christian zealots."
CBS anchor Dan Rather gave an extensive and not very encouraging update on Jesus' well known health problems. Rather's scientific report--with full color graphs of Jesus' brain and heart, both of which officially stopped years ago following his well publicized crucifixion--indicated Christ's life expectancy to be short lived. A prominent group of Washington physicians, D.C. Docs for Al Gore, who were assembled earlier in the campaign to confirm that the V.P. does have a heart and a pulse, called Bush's selection of a man with notorious health problems "irresponsible."
National Organization for Women President Patricia Ireland said, "Jesus may be, according to his all old white boy network, a good and decent man, but one can only conclude that he is the essence of evil for his "well known opposition to a woman's right to choose."
Headlines in the National Enquirer read today, BUSH RUNNING MATE KNOWN TO HANG OUT WITH HOOKERS, PAN HANDLERS, AND HOMELESS.
Vice President Al Gore, in a surprise televised address to the nation, paid for by the Buddhist Nuns for Gore Committee, made the following poignant statement:
"As a man uncomfortable dwelling on personal family tragedies, I feel compelled to speak to the American people from my heart about my opponent's running mate selection."
"Back when Tipper and I began our own personal Love Story at Harvard, we had a very dear and close friend--actually he was more like my brother--his name was Bob, and he was the best." (Gore pauses to choke back tears) (Gore composing himself) "Unlike most of my generation, Bob didn't stop at the healthy and character building smoking of grass, but at a too young and tender age turned to consuming wine. He drank wine morning, noon, and night. Like most Harvard men, he started with the good vintages but in the end he was guzzling the cheap stuff---Ripple, Thunderbird, and finally the lowest quality and most addictive wine known to man, the wine used by churches in communion services!" (Gore falls to the ground sobbing, pounding the floor with profound grief)
(Gore composes himself and goes into full African American preacher mode) "As my brother Bob's health deteriorated, his once promising post Harvard life in tatters, I vowed that until I gasped my very last breath that Tipper and I would do everything we could to keep our family, our children, our country away from the catastrophic lethal impacts of communion wine. Tipper and I realized even back the Jesus' significant role in enabling and encouraging the consumption of wine. Why, without Jesus, we wouldn't even have communion wine in America today!
"If wine has almost destroyed your family, like it has mine you must join the Gore crusade and vote against the Bush/Christ ticket in November. Thank you America and God Bless you all." (End of Gore televised address)
Following Alpha Male Gore's heartfelt televised address, his entourage of supporters left their campaign office at CNN studios for a soft money DNC fundraiser at at the Commerce Department hosted by Seagrams International.
Wrapping up the Democratic goring of Bush's V.P. selection, lame duck President Bill Clinton, who was busy doing the work of the American people selecting the robe and boxer underwear he will wear to the upcoming Democratic Los Angeles fundraiser at Hugh Hefner's Playboy Mansion, had only this to say, "JESUS CHRIST!!!!!".
(Jayne Carroll is host of The Jayne Carroll Show on Portland Oregon's KUIK AM 1360.)
From 3 to 6 p.m. Pacific, Jayne takes listeners home every day with a lively, open-line talk show! She is a longtime Northwest political analyst and callers jam AM-1360 KUIK's phone lines every day to speak with Jayne on-air about local issues and politics!
email Jayne at radiojayne@aol.com , and visit the KUIK website where you can listen to Jayne's show live from 3 to 6 p.m. Pacific.
[This message has been edited by Dennis Olson (edited August 09, 2000).]
